


let's make out on white sheets –

by Evoxine



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst with a Happy Ending, Coming Out, M/M, Mutual Pining, Recreational Drug Use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-29 22:09:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,029
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15082760
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Evoxine/pseuds/Evoxine
Summary: It's hard, being Sehun's best friend.Jongin has to watch the love of his life date a plethora of other people, and he's always just weak enough to let Sehun kiss him senseless whenever he wants.It's hard, being Jongin's best friend.Sehun tries to find even a fraction of what he's looking for in other people, but always fails, and always ends up turning back to Jongin, back to where he knows lies the answer.





	let's make out on white sheets –

“Hey.”

Jongin glances up from the pile of textbooks in his locker just in time to see Sehun slump into the locker next to his.

“Hey to you,” he replies, finally locating the book he needs and tugging it out of its cramped space. As he shoves it into his backpack, he studies his best friend’s face. “You look tired.”

Sehun laughs, that bright, pleasant sound that everyone loves. Who wouldn’t? It’s fucking beautiful. Despite having been Sehun’s friend since they were children, its magical effect on Jongin still hasn’t faded. He feels his lips curve into a smile.

“What’s so funny?”

“I’m tired,” Sehun agrees. “You’re right. But it’s for a good reason.” He gives Jongin an overdramatic wink, and the smile on Jongin’s face suddenly feels forced.

“Ah,” Jongin voices, closing the door of his locker with a little more force than necessary. “Got it.”

He turns, striding down the hallway towards their first class of the day, and suddenly regrets signing up for the same exact classes as Sehun. It’s a lot, you see, having Sehun as his best friend. Sehun, who’s pansexual and so incredibly secure in his sexuality. Sehun, who dates a long string of people, never with someone longer than three months, but somehow always able to stay friends with them after. Sehun, who everyone, at some point, falls in love with. Jongin’s one of them – he’d fallen in love years ago, and getting out of the huge hole he’d dug himself seems impossible, now.

Sehun keeps up with him, of course. Damn those long legs of his. Thankfully, it doesn’t seem as though he noticed the change in Jongin’s demeanor.

It’s a long walk to the other side of the building, and Jongin grudgingly accepts the fact that he has to listen to Sehun talk about his latest sexual escapade with his current girlfriend. He grunts when appropriate, asks questions when prompted, and by the time they settle into their seats, Sehun’s finally done with his story.

“So are you gonna stay with her?” Jongin asks. He hopes he’s the only one that detects that twinge of bitterness in his voice.

“Nah,” Sehun says, pushing a strand of hair back into place. His image makeover occurred during freshman year of high school, and he’d gone from a quiet, conventional 14-year-old to a heartthrob within the span of a few months. Gone were the glasses and the bowl cut – he replaced them with thick, highlighted hair swept back almost effortlessly, and contacts that seemed to bring out the warmth in his brown eyes. He traded in sweatpants for jeans that hugged his legs, hoodies for form-fitting shirts, and finally got rid of his braces.

It was a drastic change, and Jongin, already a goner for Sehun by that point, lamented his shitty luck. It’s bad enough that he’s crushing hard on his best friend, and now he has to deal with Sehun’s newfound hotness? Sehun’s a senior now, and Jongin still finds himself breathless sometimes.

“No?” Jongin says, raising an eyebrow. He flips his book open with a heavy thud.

“No,” Sehun shrugs. “She’s fun, we have fun, but I don’t see us becoming serious.”

“Right,” Jongin utters. It’s the same answer Sehun always gives him, and Jongin’s pretty sure he’s heard it a dozen times by now.

When he looks over at his friend, Sehun’s gazing right back at him, a little crease between his eyebrows.

“What?”

Sehun shakes his head, the corners of his lips tugging down slightly. “Nothing.”

Before Jongin can push, their teacher walks into the room and demands for their attention. A conversation for another time, then.

 

 

 

  
Sehun vanishes at the end of the day, and Jongin simply assumes he’s gone looking for his girlfriend. So he heads out to the yard alone, bag slung over one shoulder and earphones snug in his ears. He finds Minseok and Jongdae engaged in a heated conversation at their usual table, and he slides into a seat quietly, dropping his bag down by his feet.

His friends barely acknowledge him, too caught up in their argument, but Jongin doesn’t really mind. Music floods his senses, enough to keep him entertained as he watches his fellow students mill about the yard and catch up with each other. Across the space, he sees a senior sneak a cigarette, and his girlfriend leans up to take a drag. Smoke curls around them, almost prettily, but Jongin looks away before he can think about beauty. He knows where that train of thought leads.

A group of girls are leaning against the stone wall of the main building, phones out and heads bent close together as they whisper about god-knows-what. A boy exits, one that Jongin recognises from his brief stint in the track and field club, and the longing gaze he throws at one of the girls reminds Jongin of himself. Wincing, he yanks his earphones out and tries to tune into Minseok and Jongdae’s conversation.

“My boys~!”

Jongin turns to see Baekhyun sauntering over to them, Kyungsoo following close behind with his trademark done-with-life expression plastered on his face.

“There’s a party Friday night,” Baekhyun says, effectively distracting Minseok enough for the latter to halt his discussion with Jongdae.

“Where?”

“That frat house we went to a couple weeks back,” Baekhyun says, flopping onto the seat next to Jongin’s. “You guys down?”

“Hell yes,” Minseok says. “Those guys provide the best weed.”

Jongin snorts. Baekhyun turns to him, questioning. “You coming?”

“I’ll see if Sehun will come,” Jongin answers, pulling out his phone. “But yeah, probably.”

 

 

 

  
Cheap tequila heats up his stomach, and Jongin can hear blood pulsing through his ears. The air is thick with smoke, some from cigarettes and some from blunts. At least the music is good, he thinks hazily, slumped against Sehun’s side, their sweaty biceps glued together. It’s fucking hot in the house, and the sheer amount of bodies stuffed inside doesn’t help whatsoever.

Sehun elbows him in the stomach, and Jongin grunts. “What?”

“Mum wants you to stop by tomorrow afternoon,” Sehun says, lips too close to Jongin’s ear for comfort. “Lunch or some shit.”

“Yeah, okay,” Jongin says, resisting the urge to lean into the touch. “If I’m not hungover as fuck.”

He’s saved (?) when Sehun’s girlfriend falls into his lap, hand almost smacking Jongin in the face – much like a wake-up call – when she slings her arms around Sehun’s neck.

“Hi,” she slurs at him, and Sehun returns the greeting with one of his megawatt smiles. Jongin, thankful for the dim lighting, rolls his eyes.

“Gonna go out for a smoke,” Jongin hurries to say, not looking back to see if Sehun hears him before he springs up and squeezes his way through the crowd. Along the way, he snatches a blunt off Chanyeol, one of the hosts, and manages to find a nice little corner in the backyard.

He leans against an unopened bag of soil, lights up the blunt, and takes a slow drag. The smoke curls around his lungs like a blanket, soothing, and Jongin closes his eyes. By the time his mouth starts to dry up, the blunt’s half gone, and there’s a shadow falling across him.

He squints upwards, sees Sehun’s mussed hair, and takes another drag of the blunt.

“What’re you doing out here? Shouldn’t you be inside with –” He gestures vaguely. “I dunno, whatshername.”

“You don’t know her name,” Sehun asks flatly. Jongin shrugs, exhales.

“Well, I’m not friends with her, man.”

Sehun sits down next to him. “Doesn’t matter anyway. Broke up with her.”

Jongin passes the blunt over, eyes slanting to the right to study his friend. “Oh? Why?”

“No big reason, honestly.” Sehun pulls on the blunt, and smoke unfurls out of his mouth slowly, lazily. “It wasn’t a serious relationship, anyway. Just for fun. No one gets me like –” He pauses. “Nevermind.”

“For fun,” Jongin echoes.

Shrugging, Sehun gives the blunt back to Jongin. “Yeah. Fun. She knew what she was getting into when she decided to date me. No harm done to anyone, right?” There’s a roughness to his words, but Jongin can’t quite place his finger on it.

“Right,” he says. He takes a look at the haphazardly rolled stick of weed pinched between his thumb and forefinger. “Huh. Not much left. Want me to go get more?”

Sehun rolls a shoulder and shifts his body so he’s angled towards Jongin. “Not necessary.”

“Don’t you want more? You usually smoke at least –”

The look that Sehun levels on him is enough for Jongin to sober up. “We could shotgun the rest.”

 _Ah_ , Jongin thinks. Well, at least the rational part of his brain does. _We’re back to playing this stupid fucking game again._

“... Sure,” the non-rational part of his brain says. He’s rewarded with a lazy smile, and Sehun leans in, wraps fingers around Jongin’s wrist before bringing Jongin’s hand up.

“Go on, then.”

Jongin keeps his eyes on Sehun’s as he lifts the short stub to his lips, and they don’t break eye contact when Jongin inhales, filling his lungs with smoke. A pink tongue darts out to wet the plushness of Sehun’s lips, and that’s the only thing that manages to make Jongin look away from Sehun’s eyes.

A hand curls around the back of his neck, and in an instant, Sehun’s face is _right there_ , mere centimetres away from his own, pupils wide and lips parted.

Jongin lets the smoke out, slow and controlled, and Sehun inches just that much closer to take it into his own lungs. Their lips brush, Sehun’s fingers tighten in Jongin’s hair by the base of his skull, and Jongin drops the remainder of the blunt onto the pavement.

He doesn’t dare to close his eyes, doesn’t want to make this harder for himself than it already is, but Sehun moves too fast for him. It’s always been that way.

In seconds, the smoke’s gone from Jongin’s mouth, gone from Sehun’s lungs, dissipated into the air around them. Then Jongin finds himself with his best friend’s lips pressed against his, and they fall into a rhythm that’s never consistent, but somehow always easy to follow. Every time this happens, Jongin marvels at how good of a kisser Sehun is – just the right amount of pressure, the smoothest slide of his lips, the most sensual curl of his tongue. It’s everything Jongin wants, and everything he doesn’t have.

They make out for what seems like eons, and Jongin revels in the graze of Sehun’s fingertips against his scalp, clavicles, neck. When they part, Sehun continues pressing chaste kisses on Jongin’s mouth, nails digging into the spot under which Jongin’s pulse lies.

“I need a drink,” Jongin mutters, loosening his grip from where his fingers were fisted in Sehun’s shirt. Pulling away from the intoxicating heat of Sehun’s presence, he stumbles to his feet and feels the weed hit him right in the gut. But he shoulders on, making his way towards the crowd in search for something to soothe his burning mouth. _Fuck Sehun_ , he thinks. _No; fuck himself for always succumbing to him. He’s so fucking tired of this._

Back in the yard, Sehun digs the heels of his palms into his eyes and tells himself that it’s the sheer amount of smoke in this damn place that’s making his eyes water.

“Shit,” he groans out loud. Slamming the side of his fist into the bag of soil, he runs the other hand through his hair and wishes he could go back in time. Far, far back in time.

 

 

 

  
Jongin makes it to Sehun’s house just a few minutes shy of noon.

Sehun’s mother greets him with a hug and a kiss to the cheek like always, and although it’s only been two weeks since he last saw her, she coos over how much he’s grown and how good he looks. He indulges her, partly because it’s cute and makes him feel fuzzy inside, and partly because she reminds him so much of Sehun. Sehun definitely inherited her bright smile, those big, sparkling eyes, and the sharp slope of his nose.

Sometimes, Jongin doesn’t know if he wants to thank Sehun’s mother or cling to her and cry.

“Hungry?” She asks. “Food will be ready in half an hour.”

“Sounds great,” he says, dropping his bag on the couch.

“Wake Sehun up for me, will you?” She fiddles with the strings of her apron. “Can’t believe he’s still asleep!”

He doesn’t really want to, but there’s no reason for him to say no. None that he can give to Sehun’s mother, anyway. So he heads upstairs, almost trips over Sehun’s dog, and pauses for a few minutes to give Vivi scratches and pets.

He doesn’t even bother knocking before he walks into Sehun’s room and yanks open the curtains.

“What the fuck,” Sehun croaks, throwing the sheets over his head.

“Your mother wants you to wake up,” Jongin says, leaning against the windowsill. “So get up, before she starts to lecture you.” If history truly repeats itself, nothing will be awkward between them if he keeps it cool. Sehun never brings up things that neither of them have the answers to, anyway.

“What time is it,” Sehun sighs, burrowing deeper into his pillow as he stretches. Jongin glimpses a small constellation of freckles scattered across Sehun’s bare shoulder. He swallows.

“Ten past noon,” Jongin answers, reaching into Sehun’s closet for a new shirt. He tosses it onto the bed, where it lands on white sheets, hoping Sehun will pull it on before revealing too much of his bare torso. God knows Jongin doesn’t need the sight today.

“Ah fuck.” Sehun finally sits up, and Jongin averts his gaze until his friend’s tugged the shirt on. Sehun rubs at his eyes, pushes his glasses on, and peers blearily at Jongin. “Hi.”

“Hi,” Jongin replies, amused. It’s different, seeing Sehun like this. With his hair a mess, glasses on, and marks on his face courtesy of his bedsheets.

“Hungover?” Sehun asks, taking a deep drink from the bottle of water resting on his bedside table.

“Nah,” Jongin says, “didn’t drink much last night. You got me my drinks.”

Sehun caps the bottle and tosses the sheets off his legs. He gets up, struggles into a pair of sweats, and raises an eyebrow at Jongin. “Right, but after you left me in the yard, I couldn’t find you. Who knows if and what you drank during that time?”

Jongin’s heart suddenly leaps into his throat. Sehun’s never even _hinted_ at remembering their brief dalliances – they’ve only ever done things when they’re high or drunk, or both. It’s a good excuse, one that Jongin would use if he ever needed to.

“Water,” he replies after a beat. “Then I left.”

He can see Sehun’s jaw work, and Sehun’s gaze on him is too intense for someone who’d just woken up.

“You? Are you hungover?”

Sehun drags his bottom lip through his teeth. “No,” he finally says. “I’m not.”

 

 

 

  
It barely takes two weeks before Sehun has someone else’s mouth on his in the school hallways. It’s a boy this time, a junior with nicely defined biceps and tall enough for Sehun not to have to bend down whenever he wants a kiss.

Their fellow students gush about how hot they are together, and Jongin overhears a few people debating over who gets it up the ass. At that conversation, he scrambles to plug up his ears with his earphones, walking the rest of the way to the cafeteria with his music blasting.

He gets a fat egg salad sandwich, finds Baekhyun’s head of fluffy pale hair in the crowd, and meanders over to his friends. To his surprise, Sehun’s there too, and his newest boyfriend isn’t by his side.

“Why are you here?” He blurts, standing over the table with a chunk of egg salad threatening to fall out of his sandwich. Sehun raises an eyebrow.

“Uh, I wanted to have lunch with you guys?”

“Okay,” Jongin says slowly. “But aren’t you with that dude now?”

The table falls silent. Sehun’s lips part, then close. “What does that mean?”

Jongin shrugs, finally taking a seat. “You only eat lunch with us when you’re single, mostly.”

He takes a bite of his sandwich, resolutely not looking at Sehun’s face as the silence stretches on.

“Oh,” Sehun finally utters. Jongin looks up. His eyes are wide, expression stunned, and Jongin’s eyes follow the dip of Sehun’s Adam’s apple as the latter swallows. “I’m gonna –”

Sehun gets up, backpack in hand, and leaves without his lunch.

“Dude,” Baekhyun says, once Sehun is out of earshot. “That was harsh. What the fuck happened between you two?”

“Nothing,” Jongin lies. “I’m just calling my friend out on his shit. Why’s that a big deal?”

Kyungsoo places a hand onto the surface of the table, and taps a finger in order to get Jongin’s attention.

“Look, I’ve only known the two of you for a little over a year, but there’s something I’ve been wanting to say for the longest time.” He exchanges a look with Jongdae, who jerks his head in an indication for him to continue. “Jongdae and I, we’re friends. Minseok and I, we’re friends.” Kyungsoo takes a breath. “You and Sehun? You guys aren’t just friends.”

The egg salad sandwich is long forgotten. “What the hell are you on about? We’re friends, we’ve been friends since –”

“Yeah, but somewhere along the line, you stopped being just friends, didn’t you?”

Jongin is speechless.

 

 

 

  
Kyungsoo’s right, Jongin realizes. His relationship with Sehun stopped being one of Just Friends when Sehun came out and it dawned on Jongin that they could be so much more than Just Friends. But Sehun never looked in his direction, at least not that way. And Jongin’s been… bitter and heartbroken ever since. He never wanted to admit that, telling himself that his friend deserves to be happy, that he’s willing to love him from afar if Sehun’s happy. It’s hard, however, to keep holding on to that mindset when he’s the one Sehun turns to after one of his many relationships end, that he’s the one Sehun kisses when he’s single, that he constantly gets a glimpse of what he could have.

There’s also the gigantic elephant in the room – Jongin himself isn’t out. No one knows how he truly feels about Sehun, and he’s absolutely _terrified_ of telling anyone.

 

 

 

“Can we talk?”

Jongin jumps, too engrossed in his math assignment to hear Sehun walking up behind him. It’s been a few days since their… incident during lunch, and they haven’t spoken much since, apart from brief greetings when they pass each other in the halls.

“Uh, yeah,” Jongin says, closing his laptop.

“Come with me?”

Sehun doesn’t wait to see if Jongin follows, but Jongin always follows. They navigate their way through the library’s study cubicles, Jongin almost tripping over someone’s laptop charger along the way. Sehun simply glances over his shoulder and gives him a mildly amused look.

They walk until they’re out by the track, and Sehun gestures to a vacant table. Jongin takes a seat, suddenly feeling a little apprehensive, and waits for Sehun to say something.

“I don’t know what you want from me,” Sehun says eventually. Jongin tries not to stare at how the wind tousles his friend’s hair almost perfectly.

“What?”

Sehun leans across the table, fingers clasped. “What do you want from me, Jongin?”

“Want? I don’t –”

“Do you have a problem with me dating other people?”

“Problem?” Jongin splutters. He’s starting to sound like a broken, confused recorder.

Sehun studies him for a while, chocolate brown eyes too intense, making Jongin’s skin crawl.

“You know,” Sehun begins, wetting his lips. “It’s okay if you can’t admit to yourself that you want to be with me, but if you don’t want me to be with anyone else, just tell me.”

Panic runs slowly through Jongin, molten lava carrying all the fear he’s had bottled up inside for this very scenario. Sehun leans even closer, fingers trembling, as though he wants to touch Jongin’s arm but is afraid it’ll scare the other boy off.

“Just tell me, Jongin. Just say those few words and I won’t.”

 _I don’t want you seeing anyone else_ , are the words lying on the tip of Jongin’s tongue. He opens his mouth, and Sehun’s eyes widen just the tiniest bit, but _nothing comes out._

“Jongin?” His name comes out as a whisper.

Desperate, Jongin shakes his head. _No, wait, let me –_

Sehun finally looks away, head down and teeth clenched. He nods, a sharp, stilted movement, and gets to his feet.

“See you around,” he mumbles, picking up his bag. He’s halfway across the field by the time Jongin finds it inside him to say those damned words.

 

 

 

  
Somehow, things don’t really change between them. Neither of them ever talk about that failed conversation, and it’s easy, as always, to fall back into the safety of their friendship. Sehun’s still his best friend, he’s still Sehun’s best friend, and they still spend a lot of time together. Sehun breaks up with the junior a few weeks later, and for a while, he stays single.

It’s the weekend before Sehun’s birthday, and their group’s sprawled in Baekhyun’s basement, half of them playing foosball while the other half watches a shitty movie that’s playing on TV.

“What do you want for your birthday?” Jongin asks, grimacing when Baekhyun shrieks in happiness.

“You know I don’t care for presents,” Sehun says, reaching over him to grab a new bottle of beer. It’s handy, having friends whose parents give no shits about underage drinking.

“There are still a lot of things I don’t know about you,” Jongin grins, resting a heel on the table in front of him. He nearly kicks over an empty bottle. Kyungsoo clicks his tongue, collects the empty ones, and heads off to (probably) dump them in the recycling bin.

“Really,” Sehun says, sounding surprised. “Like what?”

“Like,” Jongin hums, thinking. “Like your favourite colour.”

Sehun turns to look at him, an eyebrow crooked. “Seriously?”

“Yeah,” Jongin shrugs. “Why would I need to know your favourite colour?”

Sehun snorts. “Okay, fair.”

They take a gulp of beer.

“So?”

Sehun frowns at him. “So what?”

“What’s your favourite colour?”

The lip of the bottle glistens against Sehun’s own. “Seriously?” He repeats.

Jongin simply gestures, a little impatiently, for him to answer.

“The colour of your eyes.” It’s so soft that it takes Jongin a couple of seconds to register what it is Sehun just said.

His heart jumps a beat, and he turns to demand an explanation from Sehun. Sehun, however, gets off the couch, gives Jongin an enigmatic smile, and walks over to the foosball table.

 

 

 

  
It’s fifteen minutes to midnight and he’s practically chewed through the end of his pen. Tomorrow’s his English final, and while all his friends are out at some house party, Jongin’s stuck at home studying his brains off. There are more than a few coffee cans littered across the floor of his room, and when Jongin stretches, he can practically hear his muscles scream in protest.

His phone buzzes, and Jongin shuffles over to his bed, sifting through the covers to find it.

“Yeah?”

“Dude.” It’s Jongdae, and he sounds harried. “You gotta come here, man. Sehun’s… he’s a little fucked up – okay, more than a little fucked up, and we need your help.”

“Send me the address,” Jongin says, grabbing a hoodie and hightailing it out of his room.

He jumps on his bike and pedals as fast as he can, gripping onto the handlebars hard enough that there will most likely be faint bruises along his palms the next day. It takes him almost twenty minutes to get to the party, and he ditches his bike the second he sees the house.

Sprinting inside, he grabs a random guy by the arm and asks if he’s seen his friends.

He finds them upstairs in a bathroom, Sehun sprawled on the ground and awkwardly slumped over the toilet bowl.

“What the fuck happened to him?” He demands, shoving a random girl away and kneeling down next to Sehun. He presses his palm against the side of Sehun’s face. “Fuck, he’s burning.”

“He had a lot to drink,” Minseok says, looking a little scared. “I don’t even know what substances he took, if any. Probably did, judging by his current state.”

“Excuse me,” Jongin hears, and he looks up to see Junmyeon, one of Chanyeol’s friends, walk in with a tall glass of water. “Here. Wash whatever it is out of his system.”

Jongin takes, and forces an almost unconscious Sehun to drink some.

“He was making out with some dude,” Baekhyun begins, “looked completely fine, apart from being drunk, you know? Then all of a sudden, he starts yelling at the guy, screaming about how he’s not who he wants or some shit like that.”

“What?” Jongin asks, distracted when Sehun starts to hurl into the toilet bowl. Minseok winces.

“Yeah,” Baekhyun continues, “it got super wild. He punched the dude. Got into a scuffle, which explains the bruise on his eye and the cut down his eyebrow.”

“He said your name.”

Jongin whips around and sees Chanyeol standing by the doorway, looking raggled for once.

“Huh?”

“Said your name multiple times. Didn’t make much sense, honestly, but that’s why we decided to call you.”

Jongin doesn’t have the luxury to mull over that piece of information now. Instead, he waits until Sehun’s done throwing up before hoisting him to his feet.

“I’m gonna bring him back to my place,” he tells Junmyeon, the most responsible one around. “Do you mind keeping my bike? I left it on the street. I’ll come back for it.”

“Sure,” Junmyeon says. “Take care of him.”

Well, of course.

 

 

 

  
When Sehun stirs awake after a few hours, he turns around to see Jongin lying in bed next to him, the end of his pen back in his mouth as he frowns at his English text.

“Jongin?” He rasps. God, his throat hurts.

“Oh shit, you’re awake,” Jongin says, tossing his books aside and picking up a glass of water that he passes to Sehun. He helps his friend sit up, a hand cradling the base of his skull in support as Sehun takes small sips. “How are you feeling?”

“Pretty fucking bad, to be honest.”

Jongin hums, turning away to place the cup down.

“How’d I end up at yours?”

“Jongdae called, and I went to get you.” He says it so simply that Sehun blinks at him, a little taken aback.

“You – what?”

“You’re my best friend, Sehun. Of course I’d come get you.”

Jongin gets out of bed and disappears into his tiny bathroom. Moments later, Sehun hears the tap run, and Jongin reappears with a wet cloth in hand. He wipes Sehun down, removing as much sweat and grime as he can, then gives Sehun a fresh change of clothes.

“I was gonna do this earlier, but I didn’t want to wake you.”

“That’s okay,” Sehun mumbles. He pulls on a pair of Jongin’s sweats, and he smiles softly to himself when he sees that they’re just a little too short on him. “Thank you.”

“Yeah,” Jongin says. He reaches out to push Sehun’s hair out of his forehead. “Anytime.”

They climb back into bed, and Jongin buries his nose into his textbook once more. Sehun tries to doze off, but after fifteen minutes and having his eyes wide open, he sighs and turns around.

“Hey,” he says. Jongin’s eyes dart down to look at him, worried.

“You okay? Need to throw up again?”

“What? No,” Sehun says. He pushes himself upright. “Can I tell you something?”

The textbook closes, and Jongin nods. He sees the storm of uncertainty in Sehun’s expression, and because he’s all too familiar with that feeling, he gives Sehun all the time he needs to collect his thoughts and shape them into words.

“You…” Sehun takes a breath. “You’re like the sun, to me.”

The bedside lamp casts shadows through Sehun’s eyelashes, and Jongin gets the sudden urge to run his fingers along them. They’re probably super soft, he thinks, a little wistfully.

“You’re needed in my life; your warmth, the light you unknowingly emit, I need all of that. But sometimes – god, sometimes, it gets too much. Sometimes it hurts, it _burns_ , to be around you. Sometimes, you’re so bright that it’s impossible to look at you. So I find comfort somewhere else, in places where you’re unable to reach me. And yet… yet, I find myself always gravitating back towards you, because, Jongin, I _need_ you.”

“I-I don’t understand,” Jongin says. The tremble in his voice is evident to the both of them.

“I don’t either,” Sehun sighs. “You send me so many mixed signals, and I never know how to read them. I love you, Jongin. I have for so long. So much. And I don’t know what to do with that knowledge. I don’t know what you want. I see how you look at me sometimes, you know?”

He smiles sadly at the look on Jongin’s face.

“You look at me like I hung the moon.” Sehun slumps against the pillows, eyes fluttering shut. “You kiss me like you’ve always wanted me, and you hold me like my body contains all the unknown answers of the world. And yet, you never say anything when I date others. You let me go so easily, and until this day I still don’t know what you want. I still don’t know what you feel.”

“I’m not,” Jongin tries, then shuts his mouth. He can’t lie to Sehun.

“I know I have no reason to think that you might have feelings for me; after all, you’ve only dated females. But –”

“No,” Jongin interjects. “You’re right.”

“What?”

“I do have,” Jongin bites his lip. “I do have feelings for you. Fuck, all I want is to be with you. But I’m so scared, Sehun. I don’t know what to do. How do I tell my parents I want to be with a boy? All they’ve ever wanted is to see me get married and have kids. So I date girls to make them happy. I can’t disappoint them, Sehun, I can’t –”

“We don’t have to tell anyone,” Sehun says, and that sounds so incredibly appealing. “At least for now. We can just… be together. I’m so tired of dating other people and pretending I can find happiness in them when I know I can find it in you. We can think about telling others when you’re ready, yeah?”

They gaze at each other for a long time, and with each passing second, Jongin steps closer and closer to a metaphorical cliff. He should’ve taken a leap of faith a long time ago, but it’s better late than never.

 

 

 

  
Their new arrangement works for a while. To the rest of the school, Sehun’s on a dating break, and he spends all of his free time with Jongin and the others. They still go to parties, but Jongin stays pressed to Sehun’s side all the time, and they shotgun all the blunts that they’re able to get their hands on. Jongin goes over to Sehun’s house more often (Sehun’s parents had grinned throughout Sehun telling them that they’re now together), holing up in Sehun’s bed as they make out with a movie playing on his laptop.

It’s nice, like a secret that only the two of them know.

But in the back of his mind, Jongin knows that he has to tell his friends and family at some point.

 

 

 

  
“Guys,” Jongin says, pushing his lunch around his plate. No one else but Sehun hears him, Baekhyun too preoccupied with laughing at something Jongdae’s showing him on his phone. “Uh, guys?”

Sehun looks at him, inquisitive, and Jongin can pinpoint the moment he realizes what’s going on.

“Hey!” Sehun says, raising his voice. He smacks Jongdae on the arm. Everyone instantly turns around to look at them.

“What?”

“I need to tell you guys something,” Jongin says. Underneath the table, Sehun squeezes his hand in silent support.

Four pairs of eyes blink at him.

“I’m… with Sehun.”

Four pairs of eyes flick over to Sehun before returning to him. Silence.

Jongin rolls his eyes. “I’m _dating_ Sehun.”

Kyungsoo’s the first to react. “I’m not surprised,” he says, turning back to his book.

“Same, honestly,” Minseok says. “Every time Sehun says he’s got a new boyfriend I’m always surprised it’s not you.”

Jongdae simply nods in agreement at Minseok’s statement, and Baekhyun grins at them, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

“So which one of you will take it up the –”

Jongin throws the rest of his burger at Baekhyun’s face, but he’s smiling, and Sehun’s smiling too.

 

 

 

  
It’s way past their bedtimes, but it’s a Friday night, so it’s not too bad.

They’ve biked out to the shore, and they’re strolling under the stars with their fingers intertwined. There’s sand everywhere, in their socks and in their shoes, but Jongin loves it.

“Hey,” Sehun says suddenly, pulling out his phone and letting go of Jongin. “Go stand there.”

He directs Jongin to the spot he wants, and Jongin watches in fond amusement when Sehun starts taking pictures of him.

“The view’s so nice,” Sehun quips, taking another shot.

“Well yeah,” Jongin says. “It’s me.”

Sehun laughs, and Jongin revels in the sound.

Later that night when they’ve parted ways, he looks through them, and Jongin can’t help but fall more in love with his best friend. His head’s cut off in most of the photos, and Jongin doesn’t even know if it’s done intentionally. But they’re all quite nice, and Jongin selects a few to post on Instagram.

He captions the post with:

_you make my whole body tremble; i guess i’m just not used to such good things happening to me._

 

 

 

  
“Mom?”

When Jongin walks into the kitchen, he sees his mother elbow deep in flour.

“Yes, dear?”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Of course,” she says, furiously mixing sugar into a bowl of eggs.

“I…” He grips onto the edge of the counter. In his pocket, his phone vibrates, and he knows that it’s Sehun sending him a message of encouragement. “I’m gay, Mom.”

She stops instantly, eyes wide when she looks up at him.

“I’m sorry,” Jongin blurts. “I know it’s a disappointment, I know that it’s not what you and Dad want, but I really lo–”

“No, honey, no,” she says, wiping her hands on her apron and rushing over. “You will never be a disappointment to us. It’s a shock, yes, and we will probably need some time, but it’s okay. You have the right to love whoever you want to love, and we’ll always support you, okay?”

Jongin cries into his mother’s shoulder, and she gets flour into his hair, but it’s okay.

 

 

 

  
Music pounds through the house, and Jongin feels his heartbeat matching the music’s as he navigates his way through the crowd. He had several errands to run before he could come, and it seems as though the party’s already in full swing.

He gets himself a drink easily enough, and he peers into each room until he finds Sehun, standing with a group of people as he socializes that the magnet he is.

Too loud for him to call out to Sehun, he simply heads over and presses his hand to the small of Sehun’s back. The smile he receives is blinding, and he can’t help but smile in return.

 _Hi_ , he mouths.

 _Hi_ , Sehun mouths.

Then Sehun leans in, presses their lips together, and Jongin’s heart trills when he feels Sehun smile into the kiss.

“Have you realized,” Sehun says into his ear when they part, “that whenever you kiss me, you place your hand right over my heart?”

Jongin simply crooks an eyebrow and leans in for another kiss. And through it all, his hand remains pressed over Sehun’s heart.

**Author's Note:**

> It didn't quite turn out how I thought it would turn out, but I like it anyway :)
> 
>  
> 
> [Click for Links!](https://bluedveins.wixsite.com/evoxine)


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